we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
