Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
