Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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