My hand turned me down
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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