We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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