Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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