So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
