my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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