He asked to "fluff my boner.."
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
