just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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