All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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