filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
