this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
