just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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