I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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