just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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