I CAN MOONWALK!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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