I am spending my child support on dildos
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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