Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
