My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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