I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
