I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
