Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
