saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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