Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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