Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
