Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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