if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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