even my farts smell like vagina
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
