Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
