I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
