Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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