Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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