this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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