I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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