yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
