tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
