i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you had me at cake vodka
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
