Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
