im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
