At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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