Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Randomize
