I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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