i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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