Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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