You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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