I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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