Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
