dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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