it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
