you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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