I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
